


Adventure of a lifetime (NCT)

by littleolives



Category: K-pop, NCT (Band)
Genre: Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2020-04-12 08:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19128715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleolives/pseuds/littleolives





	1. Prologue - the beginning of the adventure

“Miss Larsen?” the receptionist said and looked up at me. I was lost in trying to take in my surroundings, so the voice of the receptionist went in through one ear and out the other. The large, modern entryway had me awestruck. Nothing like the old yellow brick buildings of my school back in Sweden. The receptionist cleared her throat.

“Hmm, yes? Sorry?” I was snapped back into reality.

“Miss Larsen, yes?” The receptionist repeated.

“Yes, yes, that’s right”, I said, letting out a nervous laugh and scratching the back of my head. The jet lag was killing me and all I wanted to do was to settle into my apartment and throw myself on the bed.

“Alright, I think you’re all settled and registered. School starts on Monday in two weeks with a gathering at 8 am. There you will get all sorts of information regarding the school and how everything works around here.” She explained.

“Thank you very much”, I responded.

“You have somewhere to live, I hope?” She asked.

“Yes, yes, I found an apartment to rent. Thank you for asking”, I said and smiled. She smiled back.

“Alright, that should be it for now. I hope you settle in to the city well”, she said. I smiled again. I was tired of smiling at this point.

“Thank you”, I said and grabbed my large suitcase.

 

Something I had not really expected to face as I landed in Seoul was the heat. I was too intrigued by the culture to think about the climate, to be honest. As I tumbled away towards the subway, or rather, trying to find the subway, with all of my large bags I felt like I was actually going to melt. What was worse is that I found it hard to follow the directions on my phone. It started feeling as though I was walking through a maze.

“Okay, fuck this”, I exclaimed and decided to hail a cab. It was a bit of an expense, but I felt like it was definitely worth it. As I finally got in to the air condition of my apartment complex, I quickly forgot about the heat and the difficulty I had had getting here and instead turned my attention to sleeping, which was all I wanted to do. I dug out my contract and my key for the apartment out of my bag and got in to the elevator. I was living quite high up, and I had managed to rent a kind of special student apartment that was already partly furnished. As I opened the door I was expecting something very small and worn down. This was not quite like that. Apart from a fairly large, new, already-made bed, there was also a small kitchen corner that looked completely new, a table with a few chairs, a bookshelf,  and a large bathroom. Everything was white and looked like it had just been completed.

“Wow”, was all I could say to myself. What struck me the most though, was the view from my large windows. I walked over and looked out. 

“What on earth have I gotten myself into?” I said out loud to myself. The view over the massive city and all of its massive skyscrapers scared me more that I ever thought it would. I sighed deeply and lowered the blinds. I needed sleep. Desperately. I slipped under the covers and fell asleep right as my head came in contact with the pillow. 

 

When I woke up I hardly felt any better than before I went to bed. I shuffled out of bed to find my phone. 11:07am. 

“Holy shit, I’ve almost slept 12 hours”, I muttered to myself. I felt confused and not quite sure what to do or where to go. I sat down on the bed and stared at my phone screen for a while. I felt anxious and terribly alone. I would’ve called home, but I quickly realized that it was 4am back in Sweden. I went over to the windows and pulled up the blinds to look outside. 

“Ah, shit!” I exclaimed and covered my eyes with a hand, whilst trying to fasten the blinds with the other. I winced in pain.

“These are some really good blinds though”, I said and slowly removed my hand from my now aching eyes. When the ache had subsided, I instead turned around to take in the view of my small apartment again, and get my eyes away from the window where the sun was shining in. My head felt completely empty, a bit like a blank sheet of paper yet to be written on, and there was a dull ache left from the jet lag and sleeping too much. I opened my fridge, which was, of course, empty, and figured that I would go out to find some groceries. I cleaned up in the bathroom, changed clothes, and headed out.

 

The city felt massive. Perhaps too massive. Not only was I still struggling a bit with the language, but there was no end to it, and it was really hot outside. I wrote up ‘sunscreen’ on my mental shopping list in capital letters as I made my way into the supermarket I had found. I bought some breakfast and food for later, and of course, sunscreen, and made my way back to the apartment. I made myself a few sandwiches and devoured them quickly. In my confusion and fatigue I hadn’t realized how hungry I actually was. I sat for a few moments, staring out the window. I felt terrified. I had lived in the same area for 24 years, and here I was, 8000 kilometers from home, in a completely new country, a completely new environment, a completely new culture. I mean, sure, the city I had lived in was the third biggest city in Sweden, but it in no way compared to the size of this. 

I was here to do my masters degree in classical piano. The thing about it was that the decision to send an application to the university of Seoul was easy and very simple, and such a spur of the moment, because never had I envisioned that I would actually get accepted. The memory of sitting at the table in my apartment back in Sweden, reading the acceptance letter felt like something distant, yet so very clear. I remember sitting there for what felt like an eternity, staring at the letter. I read it again and again, just to make sure that I wasn’t envisioning things, and I even thought about contacting them somehow just to check that it wasn’t a mistake. Though, what I also knew from the moment I read the first lines of that letter was that I was going. I wanted nothing more than to leave. Not because I was unhappy, but because as I was creeping further and further into my 20s, and I could see the sand in the hourglass running out. I knew that if I didn’t leave now, I would never get to leave.

 

So here I was. In Seoul. 8000 kilometers from home. The distance was too great to even begin to comprehend.


	2. I like that name.

I packed my sheet music, pens and other necessities into a tote bag and made my way over to school. I didn’t want to complain when I had hardly had time to get used to the city, but I already knew that always having to commute for almost an hour to school would get pretty tiring after a while. It also didn’t help that it was the end of August and the heat was almost unbearable. As I finally got to school I walked past an information board, quickly scanning it through, not really expecting to see anything of interest. But there was one pinned up paper that caught my attention.

“Live far from your school and study performance arts? Apply to practice at a few assigned locations. More information at the administration”, it read. A smile spread across my face. This was perfect. I strutted over to the reception desk.

“Excuse me? I saw the paper on the board over there about practicing somewhere slightly less far from my apartment, it that possible to arrange?” I said, gesturing over to the board. The receptionist looked up to me and smiled. 

“Yes, sure, hold on”, she said and disappeared for a minute or two. When she came back she was carrying a paper.

“You’ll simply have to fill this form in. There are a few locations to choose from. Just check the ones that would fit you the best and return to me with it”, she said and handed me a paper and a pen. 

“Thank you”, I said and took the paper. I found the school cafeteria, ordered a coffee and sat down. I scanned through the paper and all of the locations. Most of them read ‘.... entertainment’. I chuckled a little to myself. Different entertainment companies. Yeah, I reckoned that they would have some good instruments to practice on. I brought my phone out and located the ones closest to where I lived. After a few searches I concluded that the ‘SM entertainment’ building would be the closest.

_“Wow, a few years back I was so into some of the groups under that company”_ I said and smiled to myself. Like most things like that, I’d grown out of my obsession with kpop and didn’t know what the groups I used to idolize a few years back were doing, let alone if they even existed anymore. 

I filled in some possible times I would be able to practice and my personal information, finished my coffee and headed back to the reception to hand in my form. The receptionist gave me that same professional smile again, a smile I felt like she had practiced and perfected throughout the years. Not too cold, not too warm, just there. I asked her for the way to the practice rooms at school. She gave me that same smile and pointed me in the direction towards the performance arts part of the school.

 

A couple of days later I received a package at my door containing a card, a key, and some information about my new practice location. The rules seemed strict. I had access to one room only, and only on specific times. I was requested to always carry my ID with me when I was there and to be prepared for that they might do a thorough check through my bag and clothes. It seemed more like airport security than an entertainment company, but I did understand the security measures. For all they knew, I could be a crazy fangirl coming to kidnap an idol. The thought made me chuckle a little, although in the back of my mind I did think that the event of a kidnapping actually wasn’t that unlikely. I checked the time on my phone. I saw that my practice time had already started, but I figured I might as well make my way over there. I felt no reason to delay starting practice. It wouldn’t take me long at all to get there but I figured that the first time I went there security would probably turn me and my belongings inside out looking for anything of suspicion. I mean, I’m not sure what you’d do with a Mozart concerto and a metronome, but you could never know.

 

The building was quite massive, but to be fairly honest, I wasn’t even surprised by massive buildings anymore. As predicted, the security did turn me and my stuff inside out and checked my information several times. Getting through the first time took me some 20 minutes, and when I got in there, I was completely lost. I asked the reception for directions to my room, but to no use. I got lost anyways. The building was absolutely massive, and everything looked the same. I found a bench in a long corridor and sat down. 

“Great, I’m probably stuck here forever”, I muttered to myself. But I didn’t sit there for very long before I heard a voice.

“Do you need help?” I looked up and was met by a familiar face. I couldn’t pinpoint who it was, but I definitely knew who it was, somewhere in the back of my mind. He was tall, really tall, even compared to my 175 centimeters, which by Korean standards, was quite tall. I stood up and felt a bit awestruck. He was so handsome.

“Yes, actually. I’m trying to find a room, but I keep getting lost. I’ve never been here before”, I managed to press out. 

“Oh, which one?” he said, and I read him the numbers and letters I had received from the information in the package. He raised his eyebrows and laughed. 

“Oh really? That’s like in the other end of the building”, he said. I felt my shoulders slump together and a sigh leave my throat. Here I had been running around like a fool, trying to find my room, and I wasn’t even near that? He saw my expression and let out a bubbly laugh again.

“Oh, don’t worry, it happens to everyone in the beginning, I’ll walk you there”, he said. 

“Oh really? That would be great”, I said, regaining some of my optimism, and somehow the ache that had appeared in my legs from walking around disappeared.

“Of course, I’m going that way anyways”, he said.

“I’m Johnny, by the way”, he said and stretched out his hand. I shook it in response.

“Ooh, that’s who you are!!” I exclaimed. He looked at me, a shocked expression spread across his face.

“Huh?” He said. My hand quickly flew to cover my mouth.

“Oh, god, I didn’t mean to say that out loud. But I knew I recognized you from somewhere. I used to love NCT so much a few years ago”, I said. A big smile sprawled across his face.

“Oh really? I’m glad you remember me”, he chuckled.

“Yeah, don’t tell anyone, but I used to like that guy Johnny a lot”, I said. He laughed out loud. A beautiful laugh. He was still very handsome, if not more handsome than back then, but I didn’t dare to say that.

“Oh, stop it, you’re making me blush”, he said, letting out another beautiful laugh. I laughed with him.

“I’m Iris, by the way”, I said, realizing that I had forgotten to tell him my name.

“I like that name”, he said, making me smile.

 


	3. I recognize this feeling.

Walking through the long and never-ending corridors of SM, I couldn’t help but but ask Johnny about what had become of NCT, and if there were any changes to the group, which to my surprise, there hardly were. The units had changed somewhat, and there were a few new members, but not as many as I had perhaps expected. I told Johnny about my situation and that I had come to Korea to study music, and he seemed surprised and impressed.

“Wow, really?” He said and looked at me with raised eyebrows. I nodded.

“Yeah, I really wanted to experience how a completely different culture works with classical music”, I told him. He look amazed.

“Wow, that is so interesting”, he said. I smiled.

“You really think so?” I said, blushing. He nodded.

“Yes, I really do. And you also have to promise me that I can hear you play some time”, he said. I looked up at him and felt butterflies invade my stomach. Why was I reacting like this? I’d played for enormous crowds before as if it was nothing, but now I felt nervous and flustered.

“Y-yes, of course”, I managed to force out. He smiled widely.

“Can’t wait”, he said. I looked at him and felt a blush spread across my cheek. Why was he making me feel like this?

“Well, here we are”, Johnny said as we stopped outside a door in yet another corridor.

“Oh, thank you!” I said, smiling, but quickly realized that I had in no way been paying attention to how we got here. Instead my attention had been on the very cute and awfully kind brunette now towering over me with a smile on his face. I continued before he could say anything. 

“Although, I don’t really know the way out either..” I said, smiling weakly. He laughed a little. 

“No problem. You see that door over there?” He said, pointing towards a door at the end of the corridor. I looked in the direction that he was pointing and told him I did.

“Well, that’s out dance practice room. I’ll be there all day, pretty much. If you just knock on that door when you’re done I’ll show you out”, he said. Wow, more time to get to know him? My heart started beating faster at the thought. I smiled.

“Alright. Thank you so much, Johnny”, I said. He smiled even wider than before.

“No problem at all”, Johnny said. I got my card out, pressed it against the lock, which flashed green, and I could hear the door unlock. I looked up at Johnny. 

“Guess I’ll see you later?” I said.

“Yeah!” Johnny started. “Oh, and if the dance room is quiet, I’ll be at the cantina. It’s down that way and then left”, he continued and pointed down the corridor. I smiled.

“Alright, thank you!” I said.

“Catch’a later”, Johnny said and started walking towards his practice room.

“See ya’”, I said and went into my room. It was large and very modern looking. In the middle of the room stood a large grand piano.

“Wow, okay, so this’ll be my second home now”, I said to myself as I unpacked my things and sat down at the piano. To a beginning, practice went smoothly, but I couldn’t get Johnny out of my mind. He was invading my thoughts more and more, pushing away any thoughts on phrasing, pedaling, and other more important things. I stopped whatever I was playing and sighed deeply. Normally I wouldn’t feel this anxious about a situation like this, but just before leaving Sweden I had a very tough breakup with a guy who I had been together with for over two years. He was angry out of his mind that I chose Korea over him. For me, Korea was the obvious choice, and it felt as though he believed that I was cheating on him, somehow.The last months of the relationship were hell for me. He turned emotionally abusive, and made me feel extremely guilty about my choice. When I finally got out of it, I promised myself that I wouldn’t let any man near me for a long long time. At least not emotionally. At the time I decided to shut myself down emotionally, but here I was, a month or so later, already feeling that familiar feeling of being drawn to someone. That feeling when you’ve met someone really handsome and you can’t help but feel an immense desire to get to know them better, and it was scaring me. I felt terrified of tearing up old wounds, even though I hadn't even given them times to heal properly.

So I sighed to myself, pushed Johnny out of my mind as much as I could and focused on my practice again.


	4. "Who said I wanted to get rid of you?"

A few exhausting hours of practice later, I decided that it was time to go home. I had been productive enough and decided to give myself the evening off and come back early tomorrow. I pack my things together and left the room. I headed towards the room that Johnny had pointed me towards a few hours earlier. I stood outside the door for a few seconds, listening, but I couldn’t hear and signs of there being anyone in there.

“Huh, perhaps they’re in the cantina, like Johnny said”, I thought to myself and headed in the direction of the cantina. Getting closer I could hear loud voices and laughter, and it kept getting louder.

“That’s got to be them”, I thought to myself. Rounding the corner the cantina came into view. It was a very large room filled with tables and chairs, and in one corner was a counter where food was sold. The ceiling was very high, and there was plenty of light coming in from large windows all around the room. Looking around I soon enough spotted Johnny sitting amongst a couple of guys. Johnny spotted me and called me over. I smiled and slowly made my way over to the table. Now all of the attention was on me, and I felt embarrassed having all of them stare me down. But I couldn’t blame them either. 

_“Who was this European-looking girl doing here and how did Johnny know her?”_ I imagined that most of them were thinking. 

“Guys, this is Iris. She had gotten lost in the corridors earlier, and I came to her rescue”, Johnny said, beaming. 

“What a night in shining armor, Johnny!” One of the boys exclaimed. I recognized him, but I couldn’t remember his name.

“Thank you, Doyoung, for that lovely comment”, Johnny said, his voice filled with sarcasm. Doyoung just kept on smiling, teasingly. I stood there in silence, smiling politely.

“Are you in a rush? Do you want to maybe sit down a little? We just started our break”, Johnny said, pointing to an empty chair next to him.

“No, not at all. I’ll stay a little”, I said sitting down. Now I could get a better look at the boys sitting around the table.

“Iris, this is Taeil, Doyoung, Taeyong, Yuta, Winwin, Jaehyun, and Jungwoo”, Johnny said, pointing to each of the boys respectively. They all bowed a little and smiled. 

“Nice to meet all of you”, I said, bowing a little back to them.

“So, what is a girl like you doing here?”, Doyoung said, giving me a wide smile.

“Well, I’m here doing my masters degree in classical piano, and I’ve been given access to practice here as SM. That’s the short version of it, at least”, I said, smiling. There were surprised exclamations from all of them.

“Wow, really? That’s like super impressive”, Doyoung continued. I nodded.

“Yeah, I’m starting in like two weeks or so”, I said.

“But where are you from? You don’t look like you’re from Korea?” Tailed chimed in. I laughed.

“No, I’m not. I moved here from Sweden”, I said, earning more surprised exclamations.

“Sweden? Wow, I’ve always wanted to go there”, Yuta said. 

“It’s quite nice. Usually. But where I come from, in the south, it’s always rainy and windy. I guess it's all about perspective. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, to be honest”, I said and laughed. They laughed with me.

“Okay guys, I’m starving, should we order some food?”, Taeyong interrupted. Everyone agreed and got up to order their food. 

For the next hour or so, I ate together with them and listened to them talking. Every once in a while, Johnny would look back at me and smile a little, but I didn’t think much of that. This was so strange to me. I was way too embarrassed to admit to them how much I had loved NCT a few years back, with the exception of Johnny, but it was still a fact, and sitting here and getting to know them in person was weird. They were in the end just regular, hard-working (regular, huh?) people, just like me, and it felt good to get that reminder. 

The food disappeared from the table after a while and the boys were getting ready to go back to practice. I was just going to ask Johnny to show me the way out when Taeil came up to me, smiling. I remember looking up to Taeil as a musician a lot. I loved his voice, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t know every single word to ‘Because of You’ after having spent a bit too much time belting it out in my apartment, dancing around in my underwear.

“Hey, Iris, I just wanted to ask something real quick, if I may?”, he said.

“Sure, what is it?” I said, smiling back at him. In the corner of my eye I saw Johnny looking over at us. 

“I just wanted to ask if you maybe could help me with something? If you’ve got time, of course! Otherwise it’s no problem at all”, He said, reassuring. 

“I’m sure I can help you. What is it?” I said. 

“Well, I’m writing and composing some music at the moment, and I could really use some slightly more skilled piano fingers to test out some chords”, He said, wiggling his fingers at me a bit. He was just as cute as I remember him. I smiled.

“Yes, of course I’ll help you, Taeil. It would be a bit of an honor, to be honest”, I said. He beamed at me.

“Really? An honor?” I smiled and looked down to the floor, slightly embarrassed. 

“Yeah, but never mind about that. When do you need help?” I said, looking up at him.

“Um, well, whenever, really? Right now?” He said. I was planning to have a calm evening at home, but all thoughts about that were gone the moment he asked me for my help.

“Sure, I’m free!” I said.

“Perfect, are you ready to go then?” He said. I looked over at Johnny, who turned his gaze towards me as well.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a second”, I said, making my way over to Johnny.

“You ready to leave?” He said as I came up him.

“Um, well, I’m going to help Taeil with some music, so I guess I’ll just ask him to show me out”. The disappointment in his eyes was evident, but I was quick to tell myself that I was imagining things. “But really Johnny, thank you so much for your help getting to the right room. You really saved me”, I said, smiling reassuringly. He smiled back.

“No problem at all. Any time”, he said, and turned around to walk back towards the practice room.

“But I’ll see you around, though?” I said. He stopped and turned around, smiling back at me.

“Of course! You won’t get rid of me that easily!” He said, making me laugh. 

“Who said I wanted to get rid of you?” I said, giving him a warm smile. He smiled, and as he turned around again I swear I could see a hint of a blush spreading across his cheek.


	5. Happier than ever.

 

The studio that Taeil and I walked into was large and spacious. In the recording booth stood a large grand piano. 

“Wow, what a studio”, I said, gazing around the room.

“Yeah, I guess. I spend a lot of time in there, so I don't really think much about it”, Taeil said, pressing a few buttons on the board in front of him. 

“It’s just that I’m such a technophobe, in a way. I can’t stand buttons and wires and all of that stuff. I’m used to the acoustic way”, I said. Taeil laughed.

“Not an easy thing to pull off these days”, He said. I laughed back. 

“One can always try”, I said. He smiled at me and went over to the other side of the room, picking up some papers from a table and came back to me.

“So, here are some of my messy ideas. I’m sorry about the awful writing, I’m not very good at writing sheet music properly”, He said, handing me the sheet music. I smiled.

“I’m sure it’ll work”, I said and headed over to the piano. “This is such a strange situation to me. I feel like I just have to tell you this, but I used to look up to you a lot”, I continued. He looked at me with a confused expression sprawled across his face.

“You used to look up to me?” He said. I nodded.

“Yeah, I loved your voice so much. I used to spend a lot of time at the piano, trying to learn all of your songs and NCT’s songs. It used to be what kept me really happy when I was stressed about school”, I said, not looking at him.

“Really? Wow, that makes me so happy to hear!” He leaned against the piano. “In the end, that’s exactly what I want people to feel about my music. I want it to really help people in any way that it can.” I smiled at him and brought my fingers to the keys. I tried to remember the way I used to play ‘Because of You’, and let my fingers move across the keys. To my surprise I remember the song surprisingly well. His face lit up.

“Oh wow, that’s- wow”, he said, unable to form a complete sentence.

“Do you like it?” I said and looked at him, whilst I was still playing. 

“Like it? This is amazing. I love it”, He said, his whole face beaming. I smiled at him.

“Hold on, I just have to switch the key a little”, I said and started over, playing in a higher key, enabling me to sing the song as well. As I was singing I wasn’t really paying attention to Taeil's reaction to it. I was in all honesty a bit afraid that he wouldn’t like my voice. Every time I would sing in a concert or a gig, I used to imagine Taeil sitting in the back of the room, listening. I was trying to imagine if he would like it or not, but I just wasn’t sure. Finishing the last note, I finally looked up at him. He looked speechless, but I couldn't quite read if his expression was positive or negative.

“Did you like it?” I asked carefully.

“Like it? I mean, holy shit, where have you been hiding with that voice?!” He said.

“So you liked it?” I asked. He looked at me with a confused expression.

“Liked it? That was amazing and I definitely want more of that”, He said. I laughed and blushed, looking down at my hands, now placed in my lap.

“So, what did you actually need help with?” I said, looking up at him. He smiled back.

“Well, I know I should be working on that stuff, but I just got way too excited about this. Let’s just continue with singing for a while”, he said and sat down next to me at the piano. I smiled at him.

“Sure, I’d love that”, I said.

 

The following few hours, Taeil and I were singing, talking and laughing. Any perception of time seemed to have disappeared. It didn’t help either that there were no windows in the studio. Just me and Taeil, and the sounds of our voices and our laughter. It had been a long time since I had clicked with a person as well as I had clicked with Taeil, where it seems like you’ve actually known a person for the longest time. It gave me a strong sense of safety somehow, to have found someone to feel comfortable around, especially after moving as far as I had. There were moments where I had felt so scared that I wouldn’t make any friends in Seoul. Moments where I felt like I would be completely alone without having anyone to talk to, to call, or to even just gossip with. But as I sat there next to Taeil, letting out another laugh at something he said, I felt like I probably wouldn’t have to be scared. I felt happier than I had felt in a long time.


	6. "Just for emergencies?"

When I woke up the morning after that first day at SM, it felt as though I had dreamt it all. Had I really gotten access to practice as SM? Had I really met the boys of NCT? Had I really spent all evening together with Taeil? I laid in bed for some 30 minutes trying to make sense of it all, before dragging myself up to wash up in the bathroom. I stared at my own reflection in the mirror. No, it was definitely real. Insane, yes, but very much real. 

I brewed myself some coffee and sat down to have breakfast. The sun was shining into my apartment, warming my face. The sun was real, this apartment was real, the skyscrapers outside my windows were real too. This was something I would have to remind myself of for a long time to come. Remind me that yes, this life was real. A life outside my gray old hometown in Sweden could be real.

The following week consisted of mainly one thing. Practice, practice, and practice. The first day at SM, running into the NCT boys had made me relax for a little while, but it didn't take me long to face the reality of why I was actually here. Endless days of practice left me exhausted, and every evening I'd come home and basically collapse on the bed. I felt like I was completely isolated from the world, sitting inside my practice room hours upon hours, yet I still didn't feel like I was doing enough. The few times I'd run into anyone I knew at lunch or during a break, they'd reassure me that it would be fine.

"Iris, I heard you play a couple of days ago. You're amazing. You'll be fine. Please don't overwork yourself", a worried Taeil told me one day at lunch. I'd just smiled at him and told him that I would be fine. When school would start it would be okay again. It was just pre-school start nerves.

Still I felt so lucky to be able to see the boys during the occasional lunch. If it wouldn't have been for them I would've been completely on my own. I thought about it a few times and realized that I most likely would've withered away completely. Someone would've found my skeleton sitting behind the piano in the practice room. I shivered at the thought but also laughed at my own insane imagination.

On Saturday I made the decision to sleep in a little. Well, maybe Taeil was nagging me to do so during lunch the day before, but as I woke up on my own without an alarm going off, after an entire week of hard work I realized that I was glad that Taeil had nagged me into it. I felt the warm sun on my face as it was shining in through the blinds. I stretched and got up to get ready.

I sat down at the table eating my breakfast slowly, washed up my dishes, got dressed and made my way over to SM with my sheet music in hand. The large building felt quiet. There is something about large buildings like these in the morning, when hardly anyone has arrived. The traces of a quiet, dark night still lingering. Instruments yet to be played on, coffee yet to be brewed, voices yet to echo through the maze-like corridors. I entered, went through security and headed towards my practice room. I felt strangely stiff and it wasn’t going as well as usual, so after an hour or two, I decided to go get a coffee. I left my practice room with a book in my hand and headed towards the cantina. It was quiet, and there were only a few people sitting there, spread out in the room. I bought my coffee and turned to find somewhere to sit, when I recognized a face some tables away. I headed over.

“Mind if I sit down, or do you want to be alone?” I said. Winwin’s gaze turned up towards me, not quite registering my presence as first. 

“No, no, I don’t mind, go ahead”, he said after a few moments. I smiled and sat down.

“Woke up on the wrong side of the bed?” I said. He chuckled.

“Well, not really. But it can get quite overwhelming spending all of your time with so many guys. I needed some time out”, he said. 

“I get what you mean”, I said. It went quiet for a few moments, but strangely enough, the silence didn’t feel weird. 

“Can I ask you something?” Winwin said after a little while.

“Of course”, I said, smiling at him.

“Do you miss home?” He looked at me.

“I don’t know, I haven’t quite had time to think about that yet”, I paused. “But of course I do. Even though I was so tired of Sweden and I couldn’t wait to get out of there, of course I miss it. I miss my family the most. And the comfort of knowing exactly where everything is in the town you live in. So yes, yes, I miss home.” He smiled.

“Me too, although I don’t like to admit it”, he said. We exchanged an empathetic look and fell back into a comfortable silence again. 

“Hey, Winwin, what are you doing here? I've been looking for you everywhere!” A voice came from behind us. A few moments, Yuta’s smiley face came into my view. I couldn’t fail but notice Winwin’s gaze now firmly placed down on the table. He looked a lot more uncomfortable, all of a sudden. 

“Hey, Iris, I didn’t expect to see you here”, Yuta said and sat down next to Winwin. 

“Oh, I was just taking a break from my practicing”, I said. Yuta kept on smiling and looked at Winwin, who was still not looking at Yuta. I wondered why he looked so incredibly uncomfortable.

“Hey Winwin, we’re about to start practicing again, I just came to fetch you. Why did you run away?” Yuta said. I could tell that Winwin wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Now he finally looked at Yuta, but I noticed that he flinched and looked away again.

“I just came to get some air, that’s all”, he said. Yuta smiled again. Such a beautiful smile, I couldn’t help but be a bit awestruck by it.

“Alright, should we go back then?” Yuta said and started to get up.

“Yeah, you go ahead, I’ll be there in a second”, Winwin said, still not looking at Yuta. I could see a trace of disappointment in Yuta’s eyes, but it was quickly replaced by a smile.

“Alright, but don’t be late!” He said and went off towards the practice room. When Yuta had disappeared, there was an obvious change in Winwin’s posture, he looked more relaxed than before. 

“Is everything okay between you and Yuta?” I asked carefully.

“Yes, yes, of course, why wouldn’t it be?” He answered quickly. Too quickly. I smiled.

“Hey, you know, we haven’t known each other for very long at all, but I’ll just let you know that if there’s anything you need to get off your chest, I’ll be here. Maybe it’s nice to talk to someone who isn’t one of the members?” I said. He looked at me for a few moments, hesitating.

“Thank you, but I think I’ll be alright”, he said, smiling. I gave him a warm smile back. 

“Well, at least you know where to find me. I’ll head back to my practice room now. I’ll see you later”, I said and got up to leave. 

“Wait!” He said and stood up. I turned towards him again.

“Look, I’m used to taking care of myself, and doing everything on my own, so I’m not quite sure how to accept when someone offers to help.” He said. 

“Well, I think you just about described me”, I said and smiled at him. “Do you want my number? Just for emergencies?” I added.

“Sure, it wouldn’t do any harm, I guess.” He said and smiled at me, before handing me his phone to write my number.


	7. “Of course not, I have all the time in the world”

As I got back to my practice room, I couldn’t get Winwin out of my mind. I remember Winwin quite well, at least from what I saw on social media. It’s of course impossible to know how people actually are in real life, but I remember Winwin as quite a reserved and shy person, and I could see myself in him a lot, and since we were the same age, it was also easier to relate to him. I could also tell that something was off with him. There was something weighing him down, and I felt such an urge to help him, even though I knew that he had to come to me first if there was something he wanted to talk about. At least he had my number. 

A few days turned in to a few weeks. For every day that passed I felt like I got more and more accustomed to the way things were done here, especially school wise. I was enjoying my lessons, and even though it was very stressful I felt really good. During my practice breaks I’d often bump into some of the NCT boys in the corridors, and sometimes I'd spend my lunch breaks hanging out with them. Other than them I hadn’t really made any close friends at school. I was indeed enjoying my lessons and my teacher was very very good, but the social climate was closer to that of the climate in the most northern parts of Sweden, so very very cold. It was very different to the climate back home, where people helped each other out all the time. So I decided to stay away from the school building as much as possible, opting for practicing where I had good friends to hang around.

Summer had by now clearly faded into fall and it was getting increasingly chillier and I was also noticing that my energy levels were decreasing as the days grew darker and darker. Another school week had passed and I had dragged my way over to SM on a Saturday to get at least a few hours of practice in. My session was going much better than I was expecting, considering how low my energy levels were when I started, and after three hours of being productive I felt like I deserved a longer break and some food. As I opened the door, I didn’t check where I was walking and managed to crash into someone.  
“Woah!” I screeched and felt myself plummet towards the ground, but felt a pair of arms catch my waist.  
“I’m so sorry! I got you!” The voice exclaimed. I looked up to see Johnny gazing down on me, and I felt a blush spread across my cheeks. His hands were still holding onto my waist, tightly. I felt embarrassed and awkward, especially with his warm hands on me.  
“I-I’m okay, Johnny, really”, I said, and Johnny carefully and slowly let go of my waist.  
“You sure? I was walking a bit fast and I wasn’t watching where I was walking, really, I’m sorry” he kept on apologizing. I smiled through my embarrassment.  
“Yes, really, it’s fine, I’m sorry too, I wasn’t looking where I was going!”, I told him.  
“Oh no, it’s fine. Would you let me by you a coffee or something?” He said. I smiled and blushed again. Why was I so extremely shy in his presence? Or, rather, I knew exactly why I was shy, but I was fighting it. I wouldn’t let myself become enraptured by his charms. Not yet, at least.  
“Well, if you insist. I was going there anyw-“ I started.  
“Yes, I insist, I’m going there too!” He interrupted. I chuckled.  
“Well then, let’s go there together?” I said. This time it was his time to blush a little. We walked the short distance to the cantina, bought something to eat and sat down. Winwin, Yuta, and Doyoung were already sitting in the corner of the room, and we sat down with them. I sat down next to Winwin. We exchanged a glance and a smile, and I greeted the others. On the other side of Winwin was Yuta, and I couldn’t help but feel Winwin trying to discreetly shuffle towards me.  
“Don’t you want to sit close to me, Winwin-ie?” I heard Yuta’s voice. Winwin stiffened.  
“Um-“, Winwin started, trying to come up with something to say. I could see Yuta looking at Winwin with a pout.  
“No, I get it, you’d rather sit close to Iris”, he said, pouting even more, this time more seriously than before. Winwin was still quiet, probably not quite sure what to say. I felt uncomfortable as well, not really meaning to become involved in this. I notice Johnny glancing at me, but I didn’t dare to look at him. The situation quickly cleared up thanks to Doyoung switching the subject to “who the hell made such a mess in the dorm this morning?” I sent a silent thank you towards him. We finished our food and our coffee without any more awkward incidents. I noticed that Winwin was even more quiet and reserved than before, and I felt a bit worried for him. I went back to my practice room and stayed there for a few more hours before I decided to go home and take the evening off. But before I could head out, my phone buzzed.

6.28pm text: Hey, it’s Winwin  
6.29pm me: Hiya Winwin, what’s up?  
6.29pm Winwin: I just wanted to ask something. You’re allowed to say no.  
6.29pm me: Of course, ask away!  
6.30pm Winwin: Is it alright if I spend the evening at your apartment? I really need to get away from the dorm.  
6.32pm me: Of course, Winwin. Of course you can. I’m still at SM, where are you?  
6.33pm Winwin: I’m at the dorm, but just give me the address, I’ll get there. I need to sort of sneak out, otherwise I’ll just be asked so many questions.  
6.34 me: I’m literally heading home now. Just come whenever.

I sent Winwin my address and quickly made my way home. It wasn’t long before I heard my door buzz. I opened the door and saw Winwin standing there.  
“Come in. It’s not fancy or very big, but I hope you’ll like it anyways”, I said.  
“It’s really nice, thank you”, he said and walked in.  
“Would you like something to drink? Water? Tea? Coffee? Something stronger?” I said. He looked at me and laughed when he understood that the last part was a joke.  
“Some tea would be nice, please”, He said and sat down at my table. I made some green tea, placed it on the table and sat down opposite to him.  
“Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want to sit here for a while?” I said. He fixed his gaze on the floor as if contemplating something. “Oh, and is it alright if we speak informally to each other?” I continued. He looked up at him.  
“Yeah, sure, of course”, he said, and I smiled at him. We sat there for a moment in silence, drinking our tea.  
“It’s a long story, do you mind listening to it?” He said after a while.  
“Of course not, I have all the time in the world”, I said.


	8. “Oh no no no no”

“Well, here goes” Winwin started. “There is a thing about me that I haven’t told anyone yet. I’m not even sure I have quite admitted it to myself, actually. All I know is that I’m utterly terrified of it, at the same time as I also know that there is nothing I can do about it, which is where I’m stuck. But I just got this feeling that I wanted to tell you. In some weird way I think I trust you even though we've only known each other for a month or so.” He went silent, as if waiting for me to say something. At this point I had pretty much figured out what it was that he was carrying around on his shoulders.   
“Well, if I’m allowed to just say something that may help you a bit?” I started and looked at him. He nodded eagerly.  
“I think it was around the age of 13 or something like that that I fell in love with a girl. I wasn’t sure what was going on more than the fact that I felt the same for her as I had felt for lots of boys before. Now, I’m lucky to have grown up in such a liberal and forward-thinking country as Sweden, so it quickly became clear to me that it was alright and completely normal to like both girls and guys.” I said. It went silent again.  
“I’m gay”, Winwin finally said, staring out into empty space.  
“Okay”, I said, looking at him. He sighed.  
“And I’m in love.” He continued.  
“Okay, that can happen to anyone. We can’t control who we develop feelings for”, I said. He was still staring straight out, at some fixed point on the wall. I wanted him to tell me whatever he wanted to say when he was ready for it, so I just waited.  
“With Yuta”, he continued and finally looked at me. It was a look of fright mixed with relief.  
“Okay. And what do you want to do about that?” I said. He went quiet again.  
“Every time I’m close to him I can’t breathe. On top of that he’s always so affectionate towards me, and I don’t know what he means by that. All I know is that I have to keep it in, because if he would find out and reject me I would probably not be able to go on. He’s my best friend.” He said. I could tell that he was keeping tears in.  
“I get that. The only issue is that while I can help you and listen to you, not even I know what Yuta feels. Only he knows that.” I said, looking down at my tea cup. A small tear made its way down his cheek. I was wondering for how long he had been keeping this inside, not being able to tell anyone. Suddenly Winwin’s phone buzzed.  
“Shoot, it’s probably someone from the dorm wondering where I am.” He said, taking his phone out. He wiped the tear away and looked at his phone. His face fell.  
“Yuta”, he said. Instead of answering the text there was suddenly a stream of tears falling down Winwin’s cheeks. He placed the phone on the table and hid his face in his hands. I quickly got up to give him a hug. A split second later Winwin had gotten up from his seat and was bawling against my shoulder.  
“I-I-I’m s-ssorry”, he said in between sobs. I carefully stroked his back.  
“Don't be. Lord knows how long you’ve kept this inside, Winwin”, I said, just holding him. Finally we broke apart and I went to get some tissue to carefully wipe his cheeks.  
“Thank you”, he said in a bit of a calmer voice.  
“How long have you kept this in, Winwin?” I asked. He shrugged.  
“Probably as long as I’ve know Yuta, which is quite many years. I was able to deny it at first, but he always cared for me, and he still does, so it was impossible for me to deny it after a while.” He said. I carefully stroked his cheek.  
“It does feel a bit better now, doesn’t it?” I asked. He nodded.  
“Yeah, a lot better. Thank you, Iris”, He said. “I should probably get back to the dorm, they’re probably wondering where I am, so I have some explaining to do, I guess”. I smiled.  
“Of course. You know, if you ever need it, I do have a very large bed. If you ever need to get out of the dorms for a night”, I said. He smiled.  
“Good to know”, he said. I leaned in and gave him a long, tight hug.  
“Get home safe, okay?” I said. He nodded and made his way out of my apartment. 

I sat down at my table and gazed on the two now-empty tea cups for a while, just thinking about what had happened. Then Johnny appeared in my mind as I recalled what had happened when we crashed into each other outside my practice room. I cringed and groaned. I still felt embarrassed about that. I could still feel the way his hands had felt on my hips, and I felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought.  
“Oh no no no no”, I said out loud and hid my face in my hands.


	9. Ten

The next day was a Sunday, and I decided to take a day off practicing. I spent the morning reading and drinking tea, enjoying a bit of quite alone time. Occasionally my thoughts would travel to Winwin and Johnny, and the events of the day before. The embarrassment kept creeping up to me after I had tumbled into Johnny, and I was trying my best to shove the thoughts away and focus on my book. I had some ramen for lunch and watched some videos on youtube. Time was moving too slow for my liking. I was halfway through some wild-life documentary when my phone buzzed.

13.40pm Winwin: Hey, are you at SM today?  
13.41pm me: No, I have a day off today.  
13.42pm Winwin: Oh, okay..  
13.43pm me: Why?  
13.44pm Winwin: I just feel a bit suffocated. It got a bit better when you were next to me.  
13.45pm me: Is it because I’m a girl? :p  
13.45pm Winwin: Haha, very funny. But yes, it balances it out, not going to lie. No offense though, can’t help it. Just like you said.  
13.48pm me: Hah, I’m not offended at all! I’m glad I can help, the method of said help is quite irrelevant.  
13.50pm Winwin: Phew. Also, you’re allowed to say no, but do you want to come hang at the dorms later?   
13.53pm me: Well, I’d feel a tad weird just showing up there, but I’d love to come for your sake. There’s also something I have to talk to you about. Currently you’re the only one who I can actually talk to about things.  
13.57pm Winwin: Yes, please come. Of course, we can talk. I’ve told you my biggest secret, so I guess anything’s okay at this point. I’ll be back at the dorms around 7, so if you just show up at 7.30?  
13.59pm me: Sure. Please tell the rest of the boys though, I think it’ll be a bit of a weird surprise to have me just show up there.  
14.01pm Winwin: Of course I’ll let them know. See you later!

Winwin sent me the address to their dorms, which was apparently really close to my apartment. I tried my best to get back to focusing on the documentary, but I couldn’t help but be distracted by thoughts of how the evening would unfold. I only knew one thing for sure, and that was that I had to tell Winwin that I was sort of crushing on Johnny. I hadn’t quite admitted it to myself, but I felt like telling someone about it, to give me the ability to process it properly.

I spent the next few hours watching youtube video after youtube video before freshening up a little. I wasn’t used to feeling self-conscious about my appearance, but now I was. Was what I was wearing okay? Were my bangs laying right? As I was standing in front of the mirror, I could only see flaws. I felt comfortable enough around Winwin and perhaps Taeil, but what about the rest of the boys? Especially Johnny. I sighed deeply.  
“Okay, fuck it”, I said out loud. It wasn’t going to get any better than this so I might as well just let it go. I packed some stuff I needed into a bag and made my way out of my apartment. As the distance between me and the dorms lessened, my heart rate increased, rapidly. I felt unreasonably nervous, and I almost got angry at myself for it. As I reached the door, I couldn’t manage to ring the door bell. I got my phone out to text Winwin that I had arrived when I heard a voice behind me.  
“Iris?”   
I froze. I recognized that voice. Shit. I turned around to see Johnny standing there with a couple of ice coffees in his hand. He looked so good. Too good. Especially considering he was standing there in his lounge wear and messy hair.  
“Hey, Johnny!” I quickly said.  
“What are you doing here?” He said and walked closer. I resisted the urge to back away.  
“Um, well, Winwin invited me. I was just writing him to let him know I’m here”, I said, lifting my phone up to show him.   
“Oh, why didn’t you just ring the door bell?” He said, pointing towards the door bell next to the door. I faked a little laugh.  
“Oh, that’s where it is? I couldn’t find it”, I lied and smiled. He laughed a little.  
“Oh, well, lets go inside”, he said and brought a key out to open the door. He gestured for me to walk in.

“I’m home!” Johnny shouted as we walked in.   
“Woohoo, coffee!” I heard a voice screaming and steps scurrying towards us. A few seconds later Jungwoo appeared, jumping towards us. He smiled at me.  
“Oh, Iris? Didn’t expect to see you!” I smiled back at him.  
“Oh well I did tell Winwin to tell you I was coming, but maybe he forgot?” I said. He frowned a little. He was way too cute.  
“No, maybe he did actually, I don’t remember. Oh well, welcome!”, He said and smiled again. I smiled back and thanked him.  
“Oh well, you want to let us come in now, Jungwoo?”, Johnny chimed in and smiled. Jungwoo smiled back, took the iced coffees from Johnny and walked back into the apartment again.  
“Oh, just put your shoes anywhere. It’s a mess around here anyways”, Johnny said and threw his shoes amongst the what seemed like a thousand pairs of shoes on and around the shoe rack. I laughed a little and did the same. 

I walked after him, now slightly more hesitant. I felt weird about being here. I mean, sure, Winwin had invited me, but it still felt intrusive, being at the one place these boys probably ever got to relax. After walking through a wide hallway, past what I assumed were bedrooms, we walked in to the kitchen area. It was wide and spacious, and at the counter, with their backs turned towards me, sat a few people.  
“Hey, Winwin”, Johnny called out. “You’ve got a visitor!” Winwin turned around and hopped off his chair. I couldn’t help but notice Yuta’s burning gaze at me. I was starting to get a bit annoyed at his not so discreet way of showing his obvious dislike of me.  
“Thank god you’re here Iris”, Winwin said to me, quietly. “Yuta’s driving me mad”. I smiled at him.  
“Well now I’m here.”   
“Come on, sit next to me”, Winwin said and pulled me towards the counter, gesturing to the empty stool next to his. Apart from Winwin, Johnny and Yuta, there were several other familiar faces standing or sitting in the kitchen. I quickly recognized Doyoung and Taeil standing behind the counter, each with a coffee in their hands. I smiled warmly at them and said hi. Jaehyun and Taeyong were sitting at the big dining table at the other end of the room. They smiled and waved at me.  
“Would you like anything to drink, Iris?” This time, Johnny was speaking to me.   
“Oh no, it’s fine”, I said and smiled.  
“Oh, so you’re the Iris that everyone’s been talking about?” A voice said. I turned my head to identify who the voice belonged to.   
“What’s with the tone, Ten?” Johnny said. His expression was a mixture of annoyance and confusion.   
Oh. I remember Ten. Super sassy Ten. Didn’t recall him being this rude though.  
“What? I just wanted to see who the new talk of the dorm was”, he answered with an unbothered shrug. Johnny looked annoyed.  
“Well at least be nice to her, Ten. I don’t get why you’re talking like that. You don’t know even know her”, Johnny replied. His voice was growing in annoyance. Ten shrugged again. I felt super uncomfortable, and Winwin was noticing it. He nudged me to get my attention, and I turned my head towards him.  
“You okay?” He mouthed. I nodded, but in reality I was as uncomfortable as you could get. I had already felt uncomfortable coming here in the first place, and this was making it much much worse.  
“Oh, and you do?” Ten scoffed back and crossed his arms. Johnny looked at me, and then back at Ten.  
“What the hell is up with you, Ten? No, maybe I don’t know Iris that well yet, but from what I’ve learned so far, she seems super lovely, and if you’re going to act like this, can’t you just go and sulk somewhere else??” The room grew silent. Everyone’s attention was now on the fight between Ten and Johnny. I looked over at Ten. Anger was visibly draped across his face. He scoffed again and walked off in the other direction. A few more moments of silence followed. I felt my throat tightening up and tears welling up from below.   
“I’m really sorry, I’ll- I’ll just go”, I said and got of my chair to get out of there before the tears would start flowing.  
“No, Iris, Wait! I’m so sorry”, I could hear Johnny behind me. I grabbed my shoes in my hand and quickly left the apartment.


	10. Ripping the wound open

I stormed out through the door, ran down the stairs and out to the street. I sat down on the nearest bench to calm down. I felt the panic attack that had almost risen to the surface make its way down again. A few tears ran down my cheek. I felt beyond embarrassed about what had just happened, and I buried my face in my hands.   
“Iris?!” I heard a voice yell from a distance. “Iris?!” Again. The voice was getting closer. A couple of seconds later I saw Winwin’s worried face come into view. I looked down at my hands to try to cover the fact that I was crying. I felt Winwin sit down next to me.  
“Are you okay?” He said. His voice was gentle and soft. I sniffled a little.  
“Not really. Ugh, I feel so incredibly embarrassed, Winwin-ie”, I said, looking up at him. His face was full of worry.  
“I’m sorry, Iris. For inviting you in the first place. It’s my fault”, he said looking down.  
“Oh nonono, Winwin, it’s not your fault at all. If it’s someone’s fault, it’s Ten. He was the one who started it all”, I said and lightly threw my hands around his waist in an attempt to comfort and reassure him. He looked at me and smiled a little.  
“Yeah, I don’t know what that was about. I mean, Ten can be quite sassy at times, but I’ve never seen him behave like that. That was weird. I’ve also never seen Johnny snap back at him like that before”. Suddenly butterflies were invading my stomach, and I subconsciously let my arms drop from around Winwin’s waist.  
“What’s wrong?” He asked me.  
“Well- It’s about what I wanted to talk to you about-”, I started. He turned towards me to let me know that I had his full attention. I took a deep breath and let my gaze rest on a butterfly flying around among the flowers. “I think I might be crushing on Johnny”, I said, my gaze still on the butterfly, meaning I had no idea what kinds of expression Winwin had.  
“Huh?” He said. I turned to look at him. He looked happy and excited.   
“Huh?” I said, not having expected that expression.   
“You have a crush on Johnny?? That’s so cute!” He said, but when he saw that I wasn’t smiling his smile fell.   
“Or?” He continued, now with more of a worried expression. I sighed.  
“I want to tell you, but can we go back to my place? I feel so weird sitting here with people walking past us and stuff”, I said. He smiled and ruffled my hair. Even though we were the same age he felt like that caring older brother I never had, being an only child.   
“Of course we can”, he said.

Back in my apartment I boiled some water to make tea. I placed a teapot and two cups on a tray and carried it over to the bed. After having snuggled down under the covers and had a cup or two of tea, Winwin asked me about my feelings about Johnny. We were both laying on our sides, facing each other. Winwin propped himself up on his arm to look down on me.  
“Well I would’ve been excited about it, and really, the feelings in themselves aren’t bad or anything, but I’m scared”, I started.  
“Can I ask why?” Just as simple a question as that made me feel suffocated and my anxiety made it difficult to breathe properly. This was it. I was about to tear this wound open.  
“Well, back in Sweden I had a boyfriend. When I told him about my decision to move here he got very upset and was outraged that I’d choose to go here and leave him. I don’t know what changed. It felt like he turned into another person overnight-“ at this point I felt hot tears sting my eyes and fall down my cheeks. “I just thought that he would break up with me, but he didn’t. Instead he started emotionally abusing me, making me feel guilty for leaving him to go to Korea. I felt like I couldn’t leave him behind and I was even close to cancelling this entire thing. I felt so completely torn apart-“ I felt how I started to sob and how Winwin pulled me even closer and held me close for a while as my sobs slowly subsided.  
“Shhh, it’s okay Iris. You didn’t deserve what he did to you, and if I ever meet him I’ll make sure that he regrets everything”, Winwin comforted. I pulled away from his embrace to look up at him and smiled.  
“Thank you Winwin-ie”, I said. He smiled at me. “I feel like I haven’t properly gotten to cry about this. I just remember that the longer he abused me like that, the number I got. All I’ve been doing for the past months is suppressing all the feelings I should’ve had about it”. A few more tears made their way down my cheek and Winwin carefully wiped them away with his thumb.   
“Johnny’s not like that, you know”, Winwin started. I raised my eyebrows. “He is truly one of the most genuine people I know, and I’ve known him for quite many years now. I know and I understand that you need a lot of time to heal, but when you do I think you’d be perfect for Johnny, and I also think he’d be perfect for you”. I smiled.  
“Yeah, we’ll see. I’m not even sure he’s the least bit interested. Maybe he thinks I'm really ugly?” I asked. Winwin looked at me with raised eyebrows.  
“Seriously?” He asked me.  
“What?” I simply responded. Winwin sighed. “Okay, well, I like guys, but I’m not an idiot. You are beautiful and super pretty, Iris. Plus, didn’t you see the way he defended you back at the dorms?? Most of us were shocked that he could react like that, especially against Ten”. Winwin had a point. But I struggled with believing what Winwin was saying.   
“Well, maybe he was just-“ I was trying to find a good reason for him defending me.  
“See? I’m pretty sure he likes you”, Winwin said with a proud expression. I pouted.  
“Okay, maybe he might like me a little, but what do I do about that anyways? I don’t exactly dare to ask him out. Plus, I need more time”, I said, my expression turning more and more serious with every word. I just wasn't ready for this yet.  
“Well you don’t have to ask him out now, Iris. You’ll spend plenty of time with us anyways, right? So you’ll get a lot of time to get to know him better, just as a friend. Great plan, right?” Winwin said with a content smile. I smiled back and nodded and I hugged Winwin tighter.


End file.
